We have been talking for years, and usually manage to get our message across. There are times, though, when we don’t. This usually occurs when messages are emotionally charged. Sometimes we feel wonderful, rotten, sad, or scared, and we want to express it. Emotions can get in the way of the message. Described below are three techniques for delivering a message through tears, laughter, fist-pounding, or hugging. They include: replacing "You" messages with "I" messages, avoiding questions, and noticing the nonverbal messages.

Do not use"You" Messages

A. "You" messages are statements about the other person when conflict occurs. Try to avoid using "You" messages. 

	"You are rude."
	"You make me mad."
	"You must be crazy."

B. "You" messages result in defensiveness.

	"I am not rude."
	"I do not care."
	"No, you are crazy."

C. "You" messages are your own assumptions about someone else.

D. They demand rebuttal.

Use "I" Messages

A. Use "I" messages when communication is emotionally charged.

B. Limit your statements to descriptions of yourself.

	"I feel upset."
	"I feel angry."
	"I do not understand."

C. "I" messages should include some of the following parts:

	Observation—describing the facts, not your judgment about it.
	Feelings—describing how you feel about someone’s actions can be valuable feedback for that person.
	Thoughts—communicate your thoughts not your judgment. Saying, "I think you are inconsiderate" does not qualify as an "I" statement.
	Wants—communicate what you want. Ask clearly. Avoid the word "need."
	Intention—have a plan that does not depend upon the other person. Communicate your plan.

D. "I" messages require us to be honest and genuine with our feelings. Judgment has no part in an "I" message.

Avoid Hiding Behind Questions

A. Do not soft-pedal your values and opinions as questions.

"Doesn’t it upset you when you see that?"

B. Own up to your feelings and values; communication improves when you’re honest about your feelings.

"I’m upset."

Notice Nonverbal Messages

A. How you say something can be more important than what you say.

Watch for voice tone, gestures, posture, the way you dress, etc.

B. Most nonverbal behavior is unconscious.

	Be aware of your nonverbal messages.
	Be clear about your intention and purpose.
	Make your inflections, gestures and words agree.

Be Aware of Barriers To Sending Your Message 
               
A. We are afraid of other people’s reactions.

	Being truthful does not mean being insensitive to others’ reactions.
	Tact is a virtue, but letting fear prevent communication is not.

B. We think, "They already know this. I told them once before."

	You may have sent the same message before, but sometimes people just don’t hear.
	Reminders can be useful.

C. "They’ll never do anything about it if I tell them," is another excuse.

	You can never know for sure what someone will do.
	Do not allow what you imagine the other person might do stop you from communicating.

If you have fear or some other consideration about sending a message, be aware of it. Realize that you can communicate even with your concerns. You can even choose to make them a part of the message. "I am going to tell you how I feel and I’m afraid it will sound stupid." Don’t let barriers to communication run your life.